To Have or not have the second baby ??
(Had my parents decided against it, i wouldn't be here writing this blog today !!)
I wish and I wish with all my heart there was one right answer for the question which would fit everybody ...but its not so ...so each one of us need it figure it out for ourselves.
Whats very important to know is ...neither of the decisions is the right one or the wrong one.
What you decide is the best one for you ..which is not going to solve all the parenting problems- but it will be your approach to the life.
All this said, I still cant decide ...am pretty sure Ashu is in the same state of mind.
It's difficult to decide when one set of choices are very measurable (in this case the disadvantages which are my operational issues of how will we manage the second baby and not to forget the first one too :) ...full time maid, leaning more on parents and in-laws (poor ppl ...brought up their kids ...now have to do it for us all over again ! but God they still love it ...miracles of love :), adjustment at office (or this time around should i just quit- if so, its pretty dumb thing to cut down one source of income when you are growing your family), cut down lot of other things ..hmmm its so predictable and so measurable.
On the other hand ...having another baby ...maybe another boy like Abhi ...or a daughter !
having one more of our kind to be with us all our lives, to bring up a new baby with Abhi, hopefully have well-bonded siblings for a lifetime ..seems all so qualitative ...not measurable and immensely priceless.
But what if it does not turn out so ??
- am i good enough to love both babies equally ...i just dunno ...
- what if both kids strive apart and there really is no such blood-bonding at all ??
- Today Abhi is my world, i shudder to lose that for another baby or anything else ...why the hell shud i risk it ?
- Am going to lose more and more time being with Ashu ..as i will go crazy trying to be fair to both kids ...spend time with each of them ...same will be the case with him .....where will that leave Ashu and me ..
uffffffffffff ..scary ...
And thats why
I don't want a second baby...
Abhi has cousins ...friends ...so he is not going to be loner ...sure its not just not the same thing ...but its 'something' better than nothing.
So i chicken out of my decision yet again !
So this is my decision ..hopefully am going to stick to it ...
(Had my parents decided against it, i wouldn't be here writing this blog today !!)
I wish and I wish with all my heart there was one right answer for the question which would fit everybody ...but its not so ...so each one of us need it figure it out for ourselves.
Whats very important to know is ...neither of the decisions is the right one or the wrong one.
What you decide is the best one for you ..which is not going to solve all the parenting problems- but it will be your approach to the life.
All this said, I still cant decide ...am pretty sure Ashu is in the same state of mind.
It's difficult to decide when one set of choices are very measurable (in this case the disadvantages which are my operational issues of how will we manage the second baby and not to forget the first one too :) ...full time maid, leaning more on parents and in-laws (poor ppl ...brought up their kids ...now have to do it for us all over again ! but God they still love it ...miracles of love :), adjustment at office (or this time around should i just quit- if so, its pretty dumb thing to cut down one source of income when you are growing your family), cut down lot of other things ..hmmm its so predictable and so measurable.
On the other hand ...having another baby ...maybe another boy like Abhi ...or a daughter !
having one more of our kind to be with us all our lives, to bring up a new baby with Abhi, hopefully have well-bonded siblings for a lifetime ..seems all so qualitative ...not measurable and immensely priceless.
But what if it does not turn out so ??
- am i good enough to love both babies equally ...i just dunno ...
- what if both kids strive apart and there really is no such blood-bonding at all ??
- Today Abhi is my world, i shudder to lose that for another baby or anything else ...why the hell shud i risk it ?
- Am going to lose more and more time being with Ashu ..as i will go crazy trying to be fair to both kids ...spend time with each of them ...same will be the case with him .....where will that leave Ashu and me ..
uffffffffffff ..scary ...
And thats why
I don't want a second baby...
Abhi has cousins ...friends ...so he is not going to be loner ...sure its not just not the same thing ...but its 'something' better than nothing.
So i chicken out of my decision yet again !
So this is my decision ..hopefully am going to stick to it ...
Will i repent for this in future ???
Of course I will ...when I see mothers and daughters shopping together, whenever I see an elder brother hugging an younger one...etc etc ... but am hoping we will have good days too along with the wistful ones .as i said its not the correct desision ...its just my decision ..seeming ok to me.
Wish me Luck !Of course I will ...when I see mothers and daughters shopping together, whenever I see an elder brother hugging an younger one...etc etc ... but am hoping we will have good days too along with the wistful ones .as i said its not the correct desision ...its just my decision ..seeming ok to me.
Hey Jyothi,
ReplyDeleteHope u are doing great.Read ur views about having second kid....thought of sharing my 2 cents with u.
I bet my parents went through the same dilemma....and their main concern must have been how to manage 2 kids with one source of income...and so I grew up as their only child.
Believe me I feel they did not have much to lose, but for me it made a huge difference.
I had an empty space....I sure had cousins and friends but it was never the same.
I always wish to this date that my life would have been so different if I had a sis or brother. Some one to share all ur feelings thoughts, ideas... some one who can fight with others for u ,though I had friends I still wished for that someone who would return home with me and though I had cousins I still wished that someone would return back to Bangalore from my native place.
I had my parents but parents can never replace a sibling. They bought me a dog to play with .... but it was not the same:-)
I kept asking them why can't I have a brother or sis just like others...but they never thought about it from my point of view. Even to this day they feel they could provide me everything ,good quality of life because I was their only Kid .Had they asked me....my choice would have always been a childhood with less comforts and a sibling rather than a lonely childhood with all the comforts.
Me and my spouse both grew up the same way....so we both want 2 kids. We both feel that when we are gone they will support each other...they will still have someone to call as a family.
my intentions are not to change ur decision....but to show u the other side of the coin. I completely understand ur point of view...I suggest ask Abhi about the idea of having a brother or a sister,try to find out if he is thrilled or he cares less.
Finally whatever u decide....I m sure will be a great decision.
All the best !!!
Love,
Kajal.
Kajal...thanks for taking so much time to write to me .That's so sweet of you.
ReplyDeleteWe have been talking to so many single kids ...and u know what; most boys ..missed a sibling at some point of life...but are now fine with being the only kid...its the girls who pine for a sibling all their lives.
But yes, your point is a very very good one.
Thanks again !
Hey Joe...
ReplyDeleteIt was a coincidence that you wrote this blog or may be my guilt feeling poking since last weekend when we sat with u to motivate u to have another child :) since then i was waiting for another day to sit with you and ask apologies..
Our lifestyle and thoughts are different from those of you and ashu...i always enjoyed having a brother (of course may be cause he was very loving n caring) and would miss him anytime he diverted his attention from me..as time flew i realized same thing that boys dont always crave for a sibling and even if they do its only during their childhood. Once they have friends and partner they are more occupied in life..its same with our brothers and hubby too.
Other points to help you analyze is it’s a wrong feeling that I can’t spend more quality time with my hubby or my first child..its matter of a year that I’m running behind the younger one to be able to walk and talk. Then they grow up together and since it’s a decision from both of us, we really enjoy that stage of life..and m sure I’m not waiting for my parents or inlaws to take care of them in anyways…it’s a sweetest responsibility I’ve accepted.
I decided to quit my job as I was not happy with the career path I choose…need to refresh it all over again and it takes time…And also we don’t travel so much as you guys do..so there is not much difference for me to take a break now..i’ve seen mom working and still caring for us and loving us equally…so I’m fully confident that I can go back to build my career in another 2 yrs with the same amt of love n care for all 3 of them.
But finally, I assure you that Ani n the new baby will make sure that abhi will never miss out on having another kid at all…he is my son too :) so I agree with your decisions which are based on your vision and lifestyle.
It’s such a wonderful thought you have posted which makes me write so much…I almost forgot it’s your blog page ;) and pouring my thoughts on it..
I always believe that there are lil compromises in life which will yield good results in future..either for me or anyone!!! thats fine :)
Beens, i agree when its a mutual decision it does work out well.As I was saying, each of us have to find our own path of life.
ReplyDeleteits Funny ...i was writing why I dont want a second kid and you seem to have taken it personally as why you wanted a second baby.
I dont agree that boys stop missing their sibling when they find friends and partners.I definitely see the same happiness in Anna's eyes when Anna and me meet up or in Ashu's eyes when you gyus meet up. Its just they never are good at expressing stuff !
I'm sure none of us are hoping our parents or in laws will bring up the kids. But as I was saying we will want their support in initial year as we have all taken with our first kids. So thats what I was saying.
As you rightly said, its important that the decision is mutual and in our case Ashu and me are not fully convinced, so it makes all the difference.
Whatever is my chioce, I'm very glad there is new addition to our big family and am looking forward to one more chotu pinto :)
yes dear..u are right!i meant to tell u that how things or situations have favored me to have a second kid and how you guys need to change lots of things now to accomoate to this situation.. but i missed telling u that :P
ReplyDeleteAni wanted to have a sibling while abi is not so eager..nways abi has a brother 'Amogh' n sis already :) no need to worry...or else again anna n bhabhi will start worrying ;)
Hey Joe....after reading ur Blog on this topic felt like some one put all my thoughts in words....U wont belive we too have been trying to decide on the same topic......
ReplyDeleteAfter all the thinking and reading all i have to say is that ur family(3 of u'll ) need to be happy with what ever u decide and everything else will fall in place.
Thanks for this blog.....:) keep writing
Thats so true Divya. Ashu and me have coined a term 'SOH', state of happiness ...inspired by Abhi.
ReplyDeleteWe have always seen Abhi doing what he likes...what gives him happiness. When that's over he just shifts to one more activity which gives him happiness...so one state of happiness to another SOH. So Ashu and me have decided to make that our mantra in life. whatever we do, aim is to be happy !! I have given myself 6 months to take the final call for a second baby ..whatever i do i want to be happy abt that decision ...
Thanks for your comments ...will keep the blog going ...for moms like us :)